On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
