So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
