There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I look better un-naked...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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