Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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