Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize