apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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