I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
