I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
