Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize