My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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