God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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