Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
