Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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