i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
