These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize