If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
