I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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