I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
