I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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