This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
