I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
