I'm so fucking centered right now
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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