Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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