I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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