What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
not ubering you a puppy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
