I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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