I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
