So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
