i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
