We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
