Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize