I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
