Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
