My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
