he wants to bone in the snuggie
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
