He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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