remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
