Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
