doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
