mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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