idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
