never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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