Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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