I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
