Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
