Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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