Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
