my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You did what with his pubic hair?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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