how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
