i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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