Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
