oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
