I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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