He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
