I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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