I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
