First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
