I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
