before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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