i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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