I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize