I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize