Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
