im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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