Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
